The New Adventure

So this is Samuel James Scherer. He was welcomed into this world on April 29, 2009, at 11:10 AM. I can not believe he will be one week old tomorrow. Things went smoothly for the delivery and in the hospital. Everyone is healthy and recovering nicely at home.

It is amazing how everything changes when you have another child, yet at the same time it all seems so natural. Like it has always been like this. It is crazy, of course. Georgia and Noah are very excited to be the older siblings. They want to help with feeding him, changing his diapers, and giving him his pacifiers. So far they seem to like their "new baby" just fine, so we will see how long the honeymoon lasts. Georgia seems to be having a harder time adjusting than I thought she would. She is very easily upset, having major meltdowns over small things. She has also been refusing to go to school in the morning, and doesn't want to go to her other activities either. I think the fact that I am not able to do as much is harder to deal with than having a new baby in the house. I can not get down on the floor as much right now to play, and am still having a considerable amount of pain when I try to do too much. It is hard to get them to understand why mommy can't play as much as they want me to, and that I need to have a little more rest during the day. I have had help this week from sitters, and Alex is working from home as well, which has made it a bit easier. But I think that having mommy out of commission is tough to handle. I hope things return to "normal" when I am finally feeling better from the surgery. Maybe by the end of this week I will be feeling semi-normal.

This was my third C-section for as many children, and while I am on the mend right now, I don't know that I could do it again. So I have mixed feelings right now about Sam's birth. I love this new little man in my life. Every time I look at him I am amazed that he was inside me just a week ago, and now I can hold him, cuddle him, and just love him. And it is just unbelievable how the heart has the capacity to expand exponentially with every new life that comes into our family. I just sit and marvel at this little being and all that he can do, this being that was created inside my body. But with all this joy and amazement comes just a twinge of sadness.

I am wondering if this is my last baby. My very last baby.

While my pregnancy with Samuel was far from complicated or difficult, it certainly had some unpleasant moments that I have already shared. Though I don't think that the pregnancy alone would be enough to keep me from saying I would have another child. In fact, while I was pregnant I was frequently asked if this was the last kid, and I honestly answered that I wasn't sure. We have always talked about having three or four kids in our family, and I think I have always pictured us having four little ones. Yes, it is a ton of work, but there are also a ton of rewards in a big family. You have the instant camaraderie and friendship of siblings wherever you go. (Yes, I know this can be good or bad, depending on the age and the kid!) There are always people around the house, with lots of noise, friends, and craziness. This is one of the things I have always enjoyed in being part of a larger family. I have a younger sister and 2 older half-brothers, but have more cousins than you can imagine. And we all lived close enough that we spent most weekends together, as well as a number of vacations. It was great, and the times with my extended family are some of my most precious memories. I would love for my kids to have the same kind of memories one day, of always having someone to play with, of staying up past bedtime and hiding under the covers so you don't get caught, of knowing that there is always someone who knows what growing up in your family is like.

But having this baby was tough. Each of my c-sections has been different, each with good points and bad. Georgia's delivery was great. I had no real complaints, got out of the hospital in 3 days, had very little pain, and had a baby that loved to eat and sleep. After Noah's delivery I had the most horrendous gas pains in my shoulders. It started when I was on the operating table, and stuck around for about a week. There were times that I was crying and moaning in pain, and no amount of Percocet would help. The only good thing was that the shoulder pain was so bad, the actual surgical pain went unnoticed. Noah was not as easy a baby as Georgia was, but within a month or so we had settled into a nice routine.

This delivery was tough. Getting ready to go to the hospital I had my first real fear of the surgery itself. They always tell you the complications that can develop, but you always think that those are the exceptions, the rare cases. The night before I had Samuel all I could think about was, "what if something happens to me? and what if I never see my babies and my family again?" It was very unnerving, and I am not sure why it was so different, but I was freaked out. I didn't calm down until after the spinal anesthesia was in and done. But the surgery itself took longer, and was more uncomfortable. The anesthesia felt stronger and more suffocating at first. Everything just felt scarier. And the recovery has definitely been harder. Now this could be because I am four years older now than when I had my first baby. Or it could be because I have 2 other young children that need my love and attention. But I feel like with this delivery I am in more pain, and it has lasted longer. I am slowly getting back to normal, slowly.

So when I think about going through this all over again, I have a lot of mixed emotions. I don't know if I am ready to be done having babies. I know I don't have to make up my mind right now. I have a few more years before I think I will definitely be calling it quits in the kid department. But I am not sure if I can physically take having another one. Maybe in a year or two I will have forgotten all this, and think, "sure, I can do it again. It wasn't so bad." But maybe not.

So for now, when I look at Sam and hold him, I think that he may be my last baby. I try extra hard to hold onto every itty bitty moment, and really savor the experience of having a newborn again. It makes me a bit sad, but I also enjoy it that much more. We will see what the future holds for our family. But for now we are a happy family of five, with three wonderfully happy and healthy children. And I am so grateful for each and every one of them.