Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I am going to try my darnedest to get out some stuff that has been on my mind tonight. I have had eight million thoughts flying around my head the past few weeks, and have had nary a moment to sit down and try to sort them all out. But tonight I am going to give it a go. It is not even 8:00 and the kids are all asleep. So while I catch up on some DVR'd television, I will blog it out, and hope that I don't go into too much stream of consciousness writing.

So here is the state of my affairs right now. Sam is 4 weeks old today and has been doing really well. Georgia has her last day of school tomorrow. Noah finished all his classes last week, and is full-on in the terrible two's. Alex has been back working in Virginia for two and a half weeks. And I am back to feeling like I am riding the most insane roller coaster of emotions that I can imagine. Needless to say, I am not sure how positive this post will be.

So we have three kids now.....I am still getting used to saying that out loud. I am really impressed by how well Sam has been doing since he came home. He is eating like crazy (with the cheeks to prove it!) and has been sleeping for 5-6 hours at a stretch at night. I have been feeling pretty good overall about the sleep I am getting, and would LOVE it if he could keep this sleeping thing up. Sam is generally a pretty mellow baby. We have had some issues with acid reflux, but he seems to be feeling much better since we started on Zantac last week. And he doesn't really fuss unless he is hungry. I guess he has already figured out his place in this family, and that going with the flow right now is what he needs to do.

The other two....well, let's just say it hasn't been a bowl of cherries the past few weeks. I love Georgia and Noah with all my heart and soul. They are two amazing little people. And I know that I have really good kids overall. But right now, they are just driving me up the wall. I am back in the bad mommy place these days, and hoping I will come out of it soon. With the end of school and normal activities, I am not feeling very hopeful. We are a family that works when we have routine, and when it gets messed up we have a tough time. I am not scheduled down to the minute or anything, but the kids are just generally more relaxed and better behaved when they know what to expect out of the day. And it is easier for me too, since I get used to what needs to get done and when.

(On a side note, I am watching "So You Think You Can Dance" on Fox right now. I think watching a really bad dance audition is way more painful than a bad singing audition. I mean, seriously painful.)

Back on track.....So, routine. With summer comes the thoughts of lazy days playing in the backyard, going to the pool, and getting ice cream cones after dinner. But it is also 3 months of a constantly changing schedule for our family. Georgia has swim lessons and four weeks of camp spread out over the summer. Noah may or may not have a music class for two weeks in July, I have not made up my mind yet about it. And Sam will have an ever-changing schedule for the next few months regardless of whatever else is going on. Add into all of that an 8 day trip to Florida, and Alex commuting back and forth every 4 days, and I am freaking out thinking about how we are going to stay sane. As it is, Georgia and Noah are still settling into having a new little brother, a mommy whose time and energy is spread even thinner, and a daddy who isn't here more than he is. They are having more outbursts and tantrums, are talking back more, and have frequent bouts of baby-talk. And I am having a really tough time dealing with it all. I am really trying to remember that this has been a HUGE adjustment for such little beings, and that it is perfectly normal to have rough patches during times like these. But I think the sleep deprivation (albeit not terrible), the still-regulating hormones, and the lack of a present spouse at the end of the day is making it much harder for me to keep a level head. And I wonder if it is going to be this way until we get back to school next fall and we settle back into a more predictable schedule. I am really hoping that after a few weeks we will be in a better place, so keep your fingers crossed for us.

I have also been thinking a lot about Alex's new job, and the living situation that we are in right now. He is really enjoying his work these days. And who wouldn't? He works for a company that is consistently voted one of the best places to work, has unbelievable benefits for its employees, and is extremely flexible and accommodating. I would work there in a heartbeat if there were anything there that I was remotely qualified to do! He also gets to basically play on the Internet all day long. Now by play, I mean do all sorts of financial research on various websites, blogs, message boards, etc. But to him, this is playing. It's just that now he can cal it work, too. SO he finally has a job that he absolutely loves, and he deserves it. But it has left us in a very difficult living situation for the foreseeable future. He leaves us on Sunday evenings, and returns on Thursday evenings, working here on Fridays. So we have been missing him a lot. Now we could choose to try to sell our house and move in the next 2-3 months, but I am in no shape to do that right now, having just had a baby a few weeks ago. Add to that the worst housing market in recent history, and that is a whole lotta stress that I do not need at this time. So we have chosen this living sitution for as long as we can stand it. Hopefully, we will make it through most of the next school year before we actually move.
But I worry a lot about how we will survive this. Alex and I have a great marriage. We really do. I have written before about how we have really had to dig deep and have some serious discussions throughout our relationship. I think that has really helped us when we do have difficult things to face. I love and trust him with all my heart. He is an amazing daddy, and you can see how hard it is for him to not be around the kids everyday. But we have never lived apart for any significant amount of time, so this is uncharted territory for us. I am hoping that this year will make our marriage even stronger, and that I will come out of this knowing I can handle far more on my own than I ever thought I could. But there is a tiny little piece of me that is scared, no terrified, that all this time apart could hurt what we have. I don't know why it is there, but it sneaks up on me from time to time. And every Sunday when I say goodbye to him, I get tears in my eyes. Sometimes I cry after he leaves, because it gets really lonely without him. And it is hard not having him here at the end of the day to unwind with, to tell me that I am not a terrible mom, to rub that aching knot out of my shoulders, and to just give me a hug. Even though before he was working and out of the house during most of the day, at least we woke up together and went to sleep together. The kids had daddy in the morning, and to read them bedtime stories most nights. I know it is really hard for him, too. And I know that if this situation becomes too hard for us, we can always try to move sooner. I know neither of us would sacrifice an ounce of what we have together for this job, no matter how wonderful it is. But that worry is still there, and gets the best of me sometimes. I am trying to keep up a good face for the kids, but it is hard. Not only am I missing my husband, but also my best friend.

So there you have it. That's a good chunk of what has been swirling around in this crazy head of mine. There is more....there always is. But that will have to wait for another night. I have already sacrificed 45 minutes of sleep to finish this post. I can not afford to give up any more of such a precious commodity tonight. But I will get it all out at some point....for now, Good Night.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Stay Tuned.....

So I have a lot of totally random thoughts going through my head tonight. Unfortunately I have been sitting here for about 10 minutes staring at my computer screen, and am at a loss as to where to start writing. It has been a crazy couple of weeks in our house and family, and I am trying to get myself back on track. We are trying to find our way in this new routine we have going, as well as add in a new family member to the mix. So, while I thought writing about all of this would help me to get it out of my head and make sense of things, I guess I need a little more time to figure out where to start. I am hoping to get it into words in the next couple of days so that I don't feel like an emotional ticking timebomb.

On a side note.....I am sitting in my bed, waiting for Sam to wake up to eat, which will be sometime in the next 30 minutes. I am catching up on some DVR'ed episodes of Lost, which I have been too tired to try to comprehend the past few weeks. This show is freakin' nuts. I have always said that I think the writers just sit in a room and try to come up with the most insane plot twists and turns they can throw at the viewers. I don't even think they really care if it makes sense. I think their only goal is that at the end of an episode the viewer is left thinking, "What the f@*%?!?!?!"

Hoepfully I will be on the blogging train again in a day or two. I think it may take a few entries before I can get it all out, but I'll get there.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The New Adventure

So this is Samuel James Scherer. He was welcomed into this world on April 29, 2009, at 11:10 AM. I can not believe he will be one week old tomorrow. Things went smoothly for the delivery and in the hospital. Everyone is healthy and recovering nicely at home.

It is amazing how everything changes when you have another child, yet at the same time it all seems so natural. Like it has always been like this. It is crazy, of course. Georgia and Noah are very excited to be the older siblings. They want to help with feeding him, changing his diapers, and giving him his pacifiers. So far they seem to like their "new baby" just fine, so we will see how long the honeymoon lasts. Georgia seems to be having a harder time adjusting than I thought she would. She is very easily upset, having major meltdowns over small things. She has also been refusing to go to school in the morning, and doesn't want to go to her other activities either. I think the fact that I am not able to do as much is harder to deal with than having a new baby in the house. I can not get down on the floor as much right now to play, and am still having a considerable amount of pain when I try to do too much. It is hard to get them to understand why mommy can't play as much as they want me to, and that I need to have a little more rest during the day. I have had help this week from sitters, and Alex is working from home as well, which has made it a bit easier. But I think that having mommy out of commission is tough to handle. I hope things return to "normal" when I am finally feeling better from the surgery. Maybe by the end of this week I will be feeling semi-normal.

This was my third C-section for as many children, and while I am on the mend right now, I don't know that I could do it again. So I have mixed feelings right now about Sam's birth. I love this new little man in my life. Every time I look at him I am amazed that he was inside me just a week ago, and now I can hold him, cuddle him, and just love him. And it is just unbelievable how the heart has the capacity to expand exponentially with every new life that comes into our family. I just sit and marvel at this little being and all that he can do, this being that was created inside my body. But with all this joy and amazement comes just a twinge of sadness.

I am wondering if this is my last baby. My very last baby.

While my pregnancy with Samuel was far from complicated or difficult, it certainly had some unpleasant moments that I have already shared. Though I don't think that the pregnancy alone would be enough to keep me from saying I would have another child. In fact, while I was pregnant I was frequently asked if this was the last kid, and I honestly answered that I wasn't sure. We have always talked about having three or four kids in our family, and I think I have always pictured us having four little ones. Yes, it is a ton of work, but there are also a ton of rewards in a big family. You have the instant camaraderie and friendship of siblings wherever you go. (Yes, I know this can be good or bad, depending on the age and the kid!) There are always people around the house, with lots of noise, friends, and craziness. This is one of the things I have always enjoyed in being part of a larger family. I have a younger sister and 2 older half-brothers, but have more cousins than you can imagine. And we all lived close enough that we spent most weekends together, as well as a number of vacations. It was great, and the times with my extended family are some of my most precious memories. I would love for my kids to have the same kind of memories one day, of always having someone to play with, of staying up past bedtime and hiding under the covers so you don't get caught, of knowing that there is always someone who knows what growing up in your family is like.

But having this baby was tough. Each of my c-sections has been different, each with good points and bad. Georgia's delivery was great. I had no real complaints, got out of the hospital in 3 days, had very little pain, and had a baby that loved to eat and sleep. After Noah's delivery I had the most horrendous gas pains in my shoulders. It started when I was on the operating table, and stuck around for about a week. There were times that I was crying and moaning in pain, and no amount of Percocet would help. The only good thing was that the shoulder pain was so bad, the actual surgical pain went unnoticed. Noah was not as easy a baby as Georgia was, but within a month or so we had settled into a nice routine.

This delivery was tough. Getting ready to go to the hospital I had my first real fear of the surgery itself. They always tell you the complications that can develop, but you always think that those are the exceptions, the rare cases. The night before I had Samuel all I could think about was, "what if something happens to me? and what if I never see my babies and my family again?" It was very unnerving, and I am not sure why it was so different, but I was freaked out. I didn't calm down until after the spinal anesthesia was in and done. But the surgery itself took longer, and was more uncomfortable. The anesthesia felt stronger and more suffocating at first. Everything just felt scarier. And the recovery has definitely been harder. Now this could be because I am four years older now than when I had my first baby. Or it could be because I have 2 other young children that need my love and attention. But I feel like with this delivery I am in more pain, and it has lasted longer. I am slowly getting back to normal, slowly.

So when I think about going through this all over again, I have a lot of mixed emotions. I don't know if I am ready to be done having babies. I know I don't have to make up my mind right now. I have a few more years before I think I will definitely be calling it quits in the kid department. But I am not sure if I can physically take having another one. Maybe in a year or two I will have forgotten all this, and think, "sure, I can do it again. It wasn't so bad." But maybe not.

So for now, when I look at Sam and hold him, I think that he may be my last baby. I try extra hard to hold onto every itty bitty moment, and really savor the experience of having a newborn again. It makes me a bit sad, but I also enjoy it that much more. We will see what the future holds for our family. But for now we are a happy family of five, with three wonderfully happy and healthy children. And I am so grateful for each and every one of them.