Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I am going to try my darnedest to get out some stuff that has been on my mind tonight. I have had eight million thoughts flying around my head the past few weeks, and have had nary a moment to sit down and try to sort them all out. But tonight I am going to give it a go. It is not even 8:00 and the kids are all asleep. So while I catch up on some DVR'd television, I will blog it out, and hope that I don't go into too much stream of consciousness writing.

So here is the state of my affairs right now. Sam is 4 weeks old today and has been doing really well. Georgia has her last day of school tomorrow. Noah finished all his classes last week, and is full-on in the terrible two's. Alex has been back working in Virginia for two and a half weeks. And I am back to feeling like I am riding the most insane roller coaster of emotions that I can imagine. Needless to say, I am not sure how positive this post will be.

So we have three kids now.....I am still getting used to saying that out loud. I am really impressed by how well Sam has been doing since he came home. He is eating like crazy (with the cheeks to prove it!) and has been sleeping for 5-6 hours at a stretch at night. I have been feeling pretty good overall about the sleep I am getting, and would LOVE it if he could keep this sleeping thing up. Sam is generally a pretty mellow baby. We have had some issues with acid reflux, but he seems to be feeling much better since we started on Zantac last week. And he doesn't really fuss unless he is hungry. I guess he has already figured out his place in this family, and that going with the flow right now is what he needs to do.

The other two....well, let's just say it hasn't been a bowl of cherries the past few weeks. I love Georgia and Noah with all my heart and soul. They are two amazing little people. And I know that I have really good kids overall. But right now, they are just driving me up the wall. I am back in the bad mommy place these days, and hoping I will come out of it soon. With the end of school and normal activities, I am not feeling very hopeful. We are a family that works when we have routine, and when it gets messed up we have a tough time. I am not scheduled down to the minute or anything, but the kids are just generally more relaxed and better behaved when they know what to expect out of the day. And it is easier for me too, since I get used to what needs to get done and when.

(On a side note, I am watching "So You Think You Can Dance" on Fox right now. I think watching a really bad dance audition is way more painful than a bad singing audition. I mean, seriously painful.)

Back on track.....So, routine. With summer comes the thoughts of lazy days playing in the backyard, going to the pool, and getting ice cream cones after dinner. But it is also 3 months of a constantly changing schedule for our family. Georgia has swim lessons and four weeks of camp spread out over the summer. Noah may or may not have a music class for two weeks in July, I have not made up my mind yet about it. And Sam will have an ever-changing schedule for the next few months regardless of whatever else is going on. Add into all of that an 8 day trip to Florida, and Alex commuting back and forth every 4 days, and I am freaking out thinking about how we are going to stay sane. As it is, Georgia and Noah are still settling into having a new little brother, a mommy whose time and energy is spread even thinner, and a daddy who isn't here more than he is. They are having more outbursts and tantrums, are talking back more, and have frequent bouts of baby-talk. And I am having a really tough time dealing with it all. I am really trying to remember that this has been a HUGE adjustment for such little beings, and that it is perfectly normal to have rough patches during times like these. But I think the sleep deprivation (albeit not terrible), the still-regulating hormones, and the lack of a present spouse at the end of the day is making it much harder for me to keep a level head. And I wonder if it is going to be this way until we get back to school next fall and we settle back into a more predictable schedule. I am really hoping that after a few weeks we will be in a better place, so keep your fingers crossed for us.

I have also been thinking a lot about Alex's new job, and the living situation that we are in right now. He is really enjoying his work these days. And who wouldn't? He works for a company that is consistently voted one of the best places to work, has unbelievable benefits for its employees, and is extremely flexible and accommodating. I would work there in a heartbeat if there were anything there that I was remotely qualified to do! He also gets to basically play on the Internet all day long. Now by play, I mean do all sorts of financial research on various websites, blogs, message boards, etc. But to him, this is playing. It's just that now he can cal it work, too. SO he finally has a job that he absolutely loves, and he deserves it. But it has left us in a very difficult living situation for the foreseeable future. He leaves us on Sunday evenings, and returns on Thursday evenings, working here on Fridays. So we have been missing him a lot. Now we could choose to try to sell our house and move in the next 2-3 months, but I am in no shape to do that right now, having just had a baby a few weeks ago. Add to that the worst housing market in recent history, and that is a whole lotta stress that I do not need at this time. So we have chosen this living sitution for as long as we can stand it. Hopefully, we will make it through most of the next school year before we actually move.
But I worry a lot about how we will survive this. Alex and I have a great marriage. We really do. I have written before about how we have really had to dig deep and have some serious discussions throughout our relationship. I think that has really helped us when we do have difficult things to face. I love and trust him with all my heart. He is an amazing daddy, and you can see how hard it is for him to not be around the kids everyday. But we have never lived apart for any significant amount of time, so this is uncharted territory for us. I am hoping that this year will make our marriage even stronger, and that I will come out of this knowing I can handle far more on my own than I ever thought I could. But there is a tiny little piece of me that is scared, no terrified, that all this time apart could hurt what we have. I don't know why it is there, but it sneaks up on me from time to time. And every Sunday when I say goodbye to him, I get tears in my eyes. Sometimes I cry after he leaves, because it gets really lonely without him. And it is hard not having him here at the end of the day to unwind with, to tell me that I am not a terrible mom, to rub that aching knot out of my shoulders, and to just give me a hug. Even though before he was working and out of the house during most of the day, at least we woke up together and went to sleep together. The kids had daddy in the morning, and to read them bedtime stories most nights. I know it is really hard for him, too. And I know that if this situation becomes too hard for us, we can always try to move sooner. I know neither of us would sacrifice an ounce of what we have together for this job, no matter how wonderful it is. But that worry is still there, and gets the best of me sometimes. I am trying to keep up a good face for the kids, but it is hard. Not only am I missing my husband, but also my best friend.

So there you have it. That's a good chunk of what has been swirling around in this crazy head of mine. There is more....there always is. But that will have to wait for another night. I have already sacrificed 45 minutes of sleep to finish this post. I can not afford to give up any more of such a precious commodity tonight. But I will get it all out at some point....for now, Good Night.


  1. You inspire me to be a better blogger. That is all.

  2. Thanks Adam....I have been enjoying this blogging thing. And I LOVE reading your posts.....I am very interested in following your journey right now. But thanks for reading.

  3. Okay, so that last comment was me, not Alex. I did not realize his google account was already signed in. just to clarify.