Thursday, January 22, 2009

So today I am feeling like a terrible mom. Not for doing anything in particular, but more for not doing things. I am just so not in the mood to play today, and my poor kids are the victims. I have had trouble motivating lately, though I can't quite put my finger on why. I am generally tired and hormonal from the pregnancy, which I know has something to do with it. And things are just unstable and up in the air in our lives right now. Not knowing where we may be living in a few months, or if I may have to plan a major move, seems to just paralyze me. I seem to wake up not in the mood for it all. I love my kids, I really do. I think I am just getting to the point of chaos in my life where I get so overwhelmed that I break down. It happens now and then, where I feel like the everyday chores of cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing, etc. are all beating me down. After the minor meltdown, I usually manage to get it together and start doing what I need to do in order to put things back together. And, unfortunately, the drain I am feeling is affecting my children.

Normally, I love to play with them. I really do. I LOVE to color and do puzzles, and am thankful that Georgia likes to do the same. I also love to read to my kids, sing songs, cook with them, and build things with the many, many sets of block-type toys we have. I am also very excited and amazed to watch Georgia develop an imaginary world, where we dress up in crazy concoctions and pretend to be teachers, mommies, doctors, and dancers. But all of this takes a lot of energy.....which I am sorely lacking right now. I just don't know what to do to get out of the funk and get my butt in gear. I am not depressed, but just feel like I need a good kick in the pants. Someone to come in and show me the way. I know that my kids would probably not be as obnoxious if I sat down with them and played more. I feel like I can hear Supernanny in the back of my head saying, "just play with them, they only want attention." And I know that the negative attention they get from misbehaving is better than none at all. I know that if I could muster up some sort of plan of events for each day we all would come through it much better. I know all of these things. But where is that time, energy, and level of organization going to come from? I have no idea how teachers do it, planning an entire day of activities for their classes all year long. I know I need to get more sleep, to clear out all the unnecessary crap from my house, to get organized. But who will do the laundry, cook the meals, clean up, and take care of everything else while I get it together? The thought of possibly having to move and sell the house just adds a whole new level of crazy to my stress.

I am trying to commit myself to being better at being with my kids. Just being with them. I know that it is not the end of the world if the laundry doesn't get done, or they eat macaroni and cheese AGAIN for dinner, or even if I can't see the playroom floor from all the stuff that is out. It is way more important to them to have a mommy that wants to play with them and has fun. Plus, trying to do everything I think should be done in a day means nothing gets done the way it should, and I just end up even more exhausted and frustrated. I know all the logic and reasonable things to say to myself. For goodness sake, I was a therapist before I had kids!! It is interesting being on the other side of the coin and knowing how hard it is to put that advice into action.

Hopefully, acknowledging the problem will help me start to change things. I can't keep feeling this way, like I am doing a terrible job at the most important thing I will ever do in my life. And with another one coming in a few months, I need to get a new routine going soon. Now I am going to get off this friggin computer and go play with my kids!

No comments:

Post a Comment